As we lay there quiet
I was reminded of all the reasons why I lust you
Your smile,
and the way it teased at me seductively
Your laugh,
and the way it tempted me
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silent
I was reminded of all the reasons why I love you
Your smile,
and the way it brings such life into me
Your laugh,
and the way it makes everything okay
Your eyes,
and the way them seems to read my thoughts

As we stand here now
I am reminded of all the reasons why I hate you
Your smile,
and the way it confuses me
Your laugh,
and the way it seems to mock me
Your eyes,
and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

Everywhere I turn, I see you.
Everything I touch, I feel you.
These tears I shed to appease you
The blood I spill is to free you.
Free you from me, my impossible dreams,
These dreams I built for you and me.
You closed the door to your heart.
I kept mine locked inside a box.
Deep within myself it stayed,
Until I saw you that very day.
I tried my best to stay away,
But as the time passed day by day,
I grew to want, to need to have you
But I had to settle on just my eyes.
Never knowing the touch of you.
Never lingering over the taste.
You will never be my regret
Only the dream that was never met.

And so I’m here to say
That life is best with pain.

I wont forget the day that, that I found god
In a kitchen knife now, and on my arm
So paint the pale white floor way, with my red life
And now so much of this pain is,
The pain I love, as I swallow the pills of happiness
And you watch me fall like California in an earthquake

And so I’m here to say
That life is best with pain.

I think that the truth is I’m everything that I hate.

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I’d rather hurt someone than hurt myself.

As you can tell, I’m depressed, bipolar, borderlining schizo, and guaranteed to cause a fuss. Want to be my friend?

Can you grant me one last wish?
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I’ll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me

I wanted this excoriation

and i thrive on this self-mutiliation

You mean to destroy me
Driving me down and tearing at my flesh
Blow by blow you bring me to the point of death
only to loosen the grip you have on me long enough for me to recover
if ever so slightly
Your bloodlust for me is stifled only by your desire to see me suffer
Over and over I hear your taunts, ranting on my will to survive
You should have finished me while you had the chance
In your greed to see me wither
you didnt realize that in suffering I have found strentgh
The ashes in which I lay were not my deathbed
rather a womb of rebirth
See how my wounds are healing faster than you can create them?
Does this anger you?
The anger will be your own undoing
not mine
I will have no more of this
I will look on you while you beg for mercy and scream your sorrows
and I will turn my face from you

Mommy doesn”˜t have a head any more
Keep it underneath my bed on the floor
Well that”˜s alright, that”˜s OK
She never really used her head anyway

Daddy called me a silly bore
Bet he won”˜t say that any more
Because the way his body is severed too
His vocal chords are gonna be hard to use

Beheaded, watch you spurt like a garden hose
Beheaded, bloody mess all over my clothes

Watch my girl friend come to the door
Chop off her head, she falls to the floor
Now watching my baby”˜s jugular blow
Really makes my motor go

Wrap a towel round the bloody stump
Take my baby”˜s body to the city dump
Then wipe the mess off the bloody axe
Scoop all the heads into my burlap sack

Beheaded, watch her spurt like a garden hose
Beheaded, bloody mess all over my clothes

All my collection, adorns my room on bamboo poles
Use to be a little, but a little got more and more
Now I”˜m craving yours

Night brings bad dreams, bad dreams and guillotines

Off with her head
Off with her head
Off with her head
Off with her head
Off with her head
Off with her head

Find another victim for my machine
Put him in a home-made guillotine
Blade falls, gonna need a casket
Watch your head plop in a wicker basket

Leave the house at a quarter to four
Come back with sixteen or more
Cause the more I walk, the more I see
I got a funny feeling coming over me

Beheaded, watch you spurt like a garden hose
Beheaded, bloody mess all over my clothes

a party to young to cosume and rot my breath, like all mothers friends
some of the most fun i had were nights full of drunk adults, high on life and everything else
hide and go seek till it was too dark to see
stuck in the top of a pine tree, whos that at the bottom? you go down and check, no you…thank god for mother..it was only a barrel and our eyes tricking us
too young to drink but i didnt care
the night never lasted, the night went so quick
security in numbers
security with friends and family
even though some nights got crazy and shattered glass cut my eyes, even though some nights got rough and blood and tears were the topic, even though some nights got rough
there was nothing like waking, wrapped in a warm blanket, in the front seat of mothers car on our way home…
thank god for mother

bury me in a glass box
in a field of shattered glass
let the mourners gather in mass
let them look in disgust from above
let them point and laugh…
when theyve just about had their fill
their stomachs cramping
faces swollen from laughter
the tears stinging their skin,
ill flip the switch
and watch them fall…

the fear on their faces is priceless
look at them grab the air as they fall
the laughs they had are long forgotten,
for soon they break on the rocks…
ive got the best view in the house
the carnage laid out before me forces a prayer to my lips
but spat out in disgust…
at last i became ashamed
i could not stomach the scene before me, the chaos i had caused
i turned away, frantically trying to escape the dismemberment burnt into my mind…
the view was clear
but not for long..
my crystal clear world is drowning in a sea of bloody vengeance
let no one undo what i have done

god is an unattainable entity on earth,
but still, we fill our pipes and break our skin
to build that never ending staircase higher and higher, with every step
bringing us closer to god, with every hit
destroying who we are.
a never ending stair case
built to reach the heavens
comes crashing down, oh so close
time and time again…
hell is at the bottom
and the gods we reach for are an illusion.
prayer pacifies and comforts, but hard tangible facts is what turns our eyes to the sky and makes us one with the universe, if even for an instant…
the path to god begins when we submit
and let our breath escape us

these stupid reasons why
whatever they may be
to believe in what you want to
and to kill what pleases you.
dont look to me for hope
or answers
dont look to me for anything but
a corpse to dance with
side by side well dance
one last dance.
i can only give you my life
ill trade mine for yours
without thought
without hesitation
the barrier between us and them
is me and you.
when we wake up
you can look to me for everything
and ill give it to you
but for now
let god grant us the strength
and a quick death

everything we have
we hold at arms length
and cast aside
for later use.
we turn our eyes
towards everything else
and our backs
on the ones we love
the ones who will always be there for us.
forever…

we assume
these walls will keep us safe
forever…

the light in the window
welcoming us home
will always shine.

the heart beating for us
inside
will continue to beat for eternity.

our false sense of security blinds us…

for one day
the walls that held you safe
will come crashing down
exposing you to the storm outside.

the lighted window
will fade
and your warm welcome
will smother you
with a cold uninviting emptiness.

the heart you held for granted
will stop beating for you
leaving you gasping for life
leaving you dead inside…

only then will you realize
how much you needed
and loved
what you had in font of you
but what you so often put behind you
for everything else
that never really mattered…

now you know
that the everything you thought you wanted
you thought you needed…
your everything
was right in front of you the whole time.

it seems that all throughout the day my heart is at my feet
the sun rises bringing with it a new dawn full of discovery…
for most a bright new day would lighten the load and lift the burden of a heavy heart, but not me,
my heart sinks with the rising of the sun.
only when the sun has almost set
day after day
and the sky is ablaze in a beauiful ice cream colored fantasy (big sticks as they were)
does an asian man come peddling bye and my spirits rise…
his age is unknown, though he looks ancient, as does the bike he sits upon, tredding so heavily.
his path has worn deep in the street. a smoke hangs on his bottom lip and his eyes look to the past.
so hypnotic and melodious are his gears turning with the rythmic squeek of some unknown piece of his steed of ancient steel… this scene and these sounds put my soul at rest.
he peddles as a conductor to his own beat. i can hear it for the entire block. everything stands still and no sound penetrates my ears more than his peddling symphany.
my heart sinks again at his passing. i know why he rides on his path so worn. he is a slave to the melody

what ever happened
to those cold winter nights
right after the fall
when the air smelled different
and we laughed at it all
consumed by ourselves
whatever happened
to those broken white clouds
frantically running from the storm
they seemed so afraid then
you watched them with fear in your heart
praying silently you could be them
whatever happened
to me obsessing over you
please turn around to me
let me wipe the tears from your eyes
your lucky white clouds have disappeared now, turn around and look at our death
together

dont be afraid love
nothing of it was real
a terrible trick the hot night air was playing on you
those cold winter nights were but a dark passing…

i see the frailty my future holds
i see the dust gathering on my shelves
holding the books
holding the pages
the story of my life gathering dust.
i see the frailty my future holds
i see it in the generation before mine
before theirs
before theirs
corpses rotting before death.
i see the frailty my future holds
i see myself looking back at my youthfull strides
looking back in time
reaching back in time
my body is broken, all i have is my mind…
everything has changed
i have no control

i dont want to look in the mirror
and see my youth as it was
i want to look in the mirror
and watch it all disappear.
i dont want to look in the mirror
and see my corpse looking back
i want to look in the mirror
and watch it all disappear

now what you see and
touch and
feel
its all an illusion
none of its real
life gone by watched
through a steel gate longing
to run with the wolves or
just once chase down and
eat anything that
moves
eventually gone mad crushed under the fact
that the gate only opens for
everyone else and when it opens for you
you become stretched thin on your tight leather leash
gone mad with acceptance of a life not your own

this hollow feeling
this feeling of hopelessness
i balance suicide on a razor.
these feelings will be with me forever.
testament to the fact
that the world is weak
and i am strong.
testament that i am alive.
nobody knows this pain,
and if they did
they would buckle under the pressure
that i hold on a daily basis
that suffocates me in the darkness.
if you knew this pain
you would beg for the bullet in your brain.
you would stumble in my footsteps.
you would submit.
ill hold these feelings with me forever
testament that the world is weak
and i am strong